News of the weird

You’d think with all his current problems, the last thing Michael Jackson needs is advice from Britney Spears. But she’s offering it regardless. And what sound advice it is too, for according to the blonde bombsite all MJ needs do in order to get his life back together is get drunk and start a fight in a bar. So all those pub fights you see around the country on a Friday night are nothing to do with idiots who can’t handle their beer. They’re all just (alleged) paedophiles trying to rebuild their shattered lives.

In South Africa, there’s one bloke who’s probably wishing he’d avoided the pub all together last weekend. After a rugby match, a group of lads decided to go for a session and then drive home. Drink driving is quite rightly frowned upon in South Africa and the police were ready. When our hero tried to flee the rozzers opened fire, leading to him getting a bullet right through his penis. That’ll learn him.

Finally, to protect innocent, impressionable minds, the new edition of Today's New International Version Bible published tomorrow has been purged of all references to people getting stoned. How could anyone have been confused? Jesus was way too much of an overachiever to be a stoner. He would have been on speed.