London Calling

It's dawned on me that I haven't said much about the Olympics being awarded to London for 2012. Other events tragically overshadowed the planned celebrations. I hope the 2012 games will prove to be a fitting tribute as Seb Coe spoke of so warmly yesterday.

And up yours France.

I was reading up on the perks of winning the Olympics and I think we can use one thing to our advantage. The host nation is allowed to introduce an exhibition sport which, if it goes down well it will get full status at the following Olympics, but if it bombs it gets dropped. This has happened to baseball which the US (I assume) introduced a while ago but which will no longer be an Olympic sport. I was disappointed as I really do like baseball, but it isn't a global sport in the same way that football is. And speaking of football it will be sad not to see an England v Scotland match in the 2012 Olympic football competition but of course we compete in the Olympics as Great Britain and FIFA do not recognise Great Britain, only England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland. As FIFA regulate the Olympic football tournament we cannot play.

So what sport should we introduce? What can we bring to the world which will both show the world what Britain is all about and give us a good chance of a gold medal, albeit not a full medal. There is only one option - darts (though being London it will be called 'arras'). Remember, darts is now a sport so it is perfectly acceptable.

Firstly, there isn't a man, woman, child or beast on the face of this planet able to beat Phil "The Power" Taylor. Even in 7 years time when he'll have no doubt have won his twentieth World Title he'll still be the man. He'd win if he played left handed. Hell, he'd win if he had to spit his arras out through hoops of fire.

Secondly, to host the arra's tournament, the millennium dome will be converted into the world's biggest pub to be known as The Red Dome. It will be a 20,000 seat arena pub. New concept but roll with me. 20,000 people a day, each drinking what, 20 pints of London Pride? Over a 2 week tournament that comes out at 5,600,000 pints of Pride. The boom to London's economy would be way, WAY bigger than that provided by the sanctimonious athletics fans who will eat half a carrot cake between them and drink nothing but Evian, which is French tap water - volcanicity my trousers. You can stick your smoking ban up your arse as well. No Bensons, no entry. Silk Cut don't count and I'm not yet sure if Marlboro Lights will get you in.

I don't really agree with the concept of 'theme' pubs but to further encourage the tourists in, we'll have busty, bottle-blonde barmaids (auditions start at my flat next weekend), chicken or scampi in a basket, 2,500 gent's toilets, 1 ladies (for when the queue to the gents is too long), nuts in bowls and Swan Vestas in St George's flag painted house bricks along the bar, a car park for taking out your aggression upon the bloke who spilled his pint down your Levis (please bring the bricks back to the bar once hostilities have ceased), dodgy strippers during the intervals, £1,000,000 jackpot fruit machines and of course the best juke box in the world. We would re-form every band that has ever existed, except the fucking Spice Girls, and house them on a massive tour boat moored on the Thames - technical details such as former members being dead/in prison/in comas are to be ironed out later but I envisage hologram departments at the UK's major universities getting some serious research grants. You'll put your pound in the slot, select maybe Don't Fear the Reaper (more cowbell!!) and the real, live Blue Oyster Cult would shuffle onto the stage, perform and shuffle off, to be followed possibly by the Stones singing Brown Sugar or The Clash doing London Calling (which must be the official Olympic anthem of 2012.)

The best bit of course is to get that "hello Phyl, usual?", "That's my stool you cnut", sticky carpet, stained walls, filthy toilets ambiance so crucial to a London boozer, The Red Dome would have to find a couple of hundred hardened dipsos with nothing better to do than drink (and is there anything better to do than drink? As Sir Henry Rawlinson said "If I had all the money I've spent on drink - I'd spend it on drink) in order to age the place prior to the opening ceremony. Imagine six weeks living in the world's biggest pub being paid to eat, drink, smoke and play darts & pool. I'm dewy eyed at the thought of it. Pieman is up for it (so Fullers had better brew 6,000,000 pints just to be on the safe side) and we're well on our way to making it the best Olympics ever.