Diamond

So, I've been out buying music again. Retro this time, foremost amongst them Reasons to be Cheerful, The Best of Ian Dury.

God, I’d forgotten just how good The Blockheads were. Join with me in singing to their majesty…

Noel Coward was a charmer.
As a writer he was brama.
Velvet, jackets and pyjamas,
The Gay Divorce and other dramas.

There ain't half been some clever bastards
(Lucky bleeders, lucky bleeders)
There ain't half been some clever bas-tards.

Van Gough did some eyeball pleasers.
He must have been a pencil squeezer.
He didn't do the Mona Lisa,
That was an Italian geezer.

There ain't half been some clever bastards
(Lucky bleeders, lucky bleeders)
There ain't half been some clever bas-tards.

Einstein can't be classed as witless.
He claimed atoms were the littlest.
When you did a bit of splittemness,
Frighten everybody shitless.

There ain't half been some clever bastards.
Probably got help from their mum
(who had help from her mum).
There ain't half been some clever bastards.
Now that we've had some,
let's hope that there's lots more to come.

There ain't half been some clever bastards
(Lucky bleeders, lucky bleeders)
There ain't half been some clever bas-tards.

Okey-dokey!
Oh!

Poetry.

And speaking of bastards - First Great Western Link, you are a bunch of. I accept that things go wrong occasionally. I’m happy to believe that ‘signalling problems in the Maidenhead area’ will cause a delay on the service from Reading to Slough. I don’t really mind that the knock on effect meant that my train was packed to the rafters with a seething mass of unwashed humanity. It happens. What I don’t understand though is how said ‘signalling problems in the Maidenhead area’ caused the trains between Slough and Windsor to be all ballsed up. There is just one bit of track between Slough and Windsor with concrete, closed platforms at either end. The train leaves Windsor and chugs to Slough. The driver gets out of the cab at the front, which is now the back and gets into the cab at the other end. People get off; people get on. The train chugs back to Windsor. Repeat. Easy. The driver couldn’t take us to Maidenhead if he was pissed up and half blind. Even Mrs Thatcher could have made it run on time. It’s warmer in Gdansk than it is in Slough tonight, anyone want to see my brass monkeys? Bastards.

Still angry

Good for them...

Sex Pistols snub US Hall of Fame

Punk band the Sex Pistols have refused to attend their own induction into the US Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

In a handwritten note posted on their website, they called the institution "urine in wine". "We're not your monkeys, we're not coming. You're not paying attention," continued the statement. The band, named as inductees alongside Blondie, Herb Alpert and Black Sabbath, were due to take part in an induction ceremony in New York on 13 March.

History and all that

I’ve been pondering the David Irving story for a couple of days. Much has already been written and I wasn't sure I could add anything. But having a background in history, albeit ancient history I do at least understand the nature of historiography and recognise the danger in laws which prevent historical debate.

20 years ago David Irving was a reasonably well respected historian, though one who was a little too obsessed with the Nazis. Now he’s in an Austria jail after being accused of holocaust denial after claiming in a speech in 1989 that “there were no gas chambers at Auschwitz”.

Austria is just one of a number of countries in Europe and beyond that have laws banning not just holocaust denial but which also do not allow debate on the ‘official’ version of events. Austria no doubt still feels immense guilt over its role in World War II and their complicity with much of the Third Reich. But this is no reason to impose censorship on the analysis and debate of history. It makes it too easy for people, like Irving, who may have more sinister motives to sew seeds of doubt and to exploit these for their darker aims.

An example. No doubt Irving used in his justification for their being no gas chambers at Auschwitz the work of Ernst Zündel. He claimed that chemical analysis showed there to be no traces of cyanide gas residue in the bricks or mortar at the Auschwitz gas chamber. This was later confirmed by the Krakow Forensic Institute and from this doubts were raised. People who hadn’t previously questioned the facts behind the holocaust started to wonder if there was any truth in Zündel’s ludicrous allegations. They are easy to disprove though. As the Russians advanced on Auschwitz in 1945 the SS destroyed the gas chambers looking to cover up the horror of the atrocities committed there. The gas chamber at Auschwitz today was rebuilt by the Russians as a memorial to the dead and a reminder of the horrors of the holocaust after the war. Does this in any way lessen its impact? No. But because the official story is that the gas chamber there was one that was actually used, a story that could have been easily dismissed instead grew and was used to cast doubts on the whole of the holocaust.

History will always be interpreted differently dependent upon the viewpoint of the person describing it. Is the current war in Iraq an illegal, immoral invasion of a sovereign state or a bold strike for freedom and human rights in the Middle East? This chapter in history is still being written but already there is disagreement.

Was Nelson Mandela a terrorist or a man fighting by any means at his disposal for a just cause? Both Thatcher and Reagan described him as a terrorist and the ANC were responsible for many ‘terrorist’ incidents prior to them renouncing violence in 1990. In 1993 Mandela, Thatcher’s terrorist won the Nobel Peace Prize. You think Bin Laden will ever be nominated? And why is the holocaust viewed now as a Jewish matter? What about the thousands of Slavs, Poles, Gypsies and homosexuals murdered? Why do they get forgotten?

History must always be debated without restrictions and without prejudice. All laws that prevent this happening, however well intentioned are always misguided.

"I detest what you say, but I will fight to the death to preserve your right to say it."

Says it all really.

The Missing Apostrophe?

Continuing with the English language, here’s something that has troubled me for over a year now.

When I drive into Windsor for whatever reason, I drive passed the Eton College playing fields. One of theses fields is called AGARS PLOUGH. That’s exactly what it says on the big sign, AGARS PLOUGH.

Now, I don’t know who Agar was, but if he had a plough shouldn’t the sign say AGAR’S PLOUGH?

Any Eton old boys out there care to enlighten me?

Words

This is great.

The Oxford English Dictionary have a Frequently Asked Questions section. It is full of the sort of information which you didn't know that you didn't know.

Bit dissapointed to see that floccinaucinihilipilification isn't the longest word in the language, but I defy any of you to pronounce aequeosalinocalcalinoceraceoaluminosocupreovitriolic. You can't can you?

Via Gromblog

Dichotomy

Irony or hypocrisy?

Wednesday, the US Senate criticise Yahoo, Google, Microshit and Cisco for bending over to the Chinese government and helping their oppressive regime stifle freedom. A good thing.

Thursday, the UN calls for the immediate closure of the Guantanamo Bay concentration camp because of the human rights violations taking place there. The powers that be in the US stick their fingers in their ears and chant la la la la la in discordant harmony.

Hmmmmm.

Nutters

When I get visitors my cats will normally treat them with suspicion and contempt as is the way with cats, but sometimes they behave like common tarts and present their heads or bellies for a tender rubbing. Often I will be told, “This always happens” or “Oh, cats always like me”. Some people it seems just attract cats.

With me, it’s mad old ladies. If there’s a mad old lady within a thousand yards you can bet your life she’ll find me and attempt to engage in pointless chatter. I related this fact to my great friend Mza some years ago and he looked down on me like I was the mad one. Then, one afternoon as we were having a coffee at Reading station it happened. An elderly woman, obviously a few tiles short of a roof, sat down next to me and started twittering on about something entirely random. I grinned at Mza while (some of) his concerns as to my sanity slipped from his mind.

It happened again tonight.

I was sat on the train at Windsor minding my own business, reading my book (The Tin Drum by Günter Grass; quite superb) when a bonkers old lady passed through the carriage chiding everyone for looking miserable. “Smile all of you” she ordered, “you’re all so miserable”. But she continued on her way down the train and I paid it no mind.

Unfortunately, as I got off the train in the village, there she was on the platform, poised for her assault. I passed gingerly by with my head down, giving off as much of a “leave me the fuck alone” vibe as I could muster but to no avail. I had no sooner passed her when I heard the clackety clackety of her wheelie’d trolley, the type that seems to get issued to all women when they pass 60, no more than 4 steps behind me.

This called for diversionary tactics. Crossing the road I headed into the offy. I needed cigs & wine anyway and it seemed like an opportune time to re-stock while mad old lady (MOL from now on) found her way back to the asylum or whatever place it was she hailed from. The door into the village wine shop makes the most frightful buzzing noise as you open it. It buzzed rudely as I entered and as I was browsing the reds (Californian) it buzzed again.

“Hello”

It was MOL.

“Are you free this evening, you’re lovely”

“No, I have plans”

“Shame. That’s a nice suit, what do you do?”

“I’m sort of in finance”

“Ohhhh, I have £20,000 will you invest it for me?”

“No, I don’t really give advice, I’m more your trouble-shooter”

“In what?”

”Mortgages now”

“Ohhhh, I need a mortgage”

“Nationwide is across the road”

“Is that a ban the bomb badge? I support that”

(I have a CND badge on my Crombie)

“It is, yes”

You see MOL’s know stuff, they can somehow sense the gaps in your armour. She continued;

“They should bomb the Castle; Windsor Castle is fucking awful. Henry VIII had syphilis you know”

“So I hear. I think the Castle’s beautiful, but I hate what it stands for, the fact that we’re subjects not citizens”

“Yes, kill them all!!!”

I’d selected a nice Syrah, 3 for 2 as well, so clutching my 3 bottles I headed for the counter. She followed.

By now my ‘vibe’ seemed to be having some effect. As I chatted idly to the shop manager she started to back away. The door buzzed and she was gone.

“I attract nutters,” I stated obviously as I handed over my card “and 20 Bensons please.”

“Yes, it seems you do” she replied.

Leaving, I was again ambushed. But I was ready.

“Have a good evening” I smiled as I headed out towards home. The clackety clack followed, but she was no match for my pace and determination and it soon faded into the distance. I made it home without further incident.

And here I will stay. I have tabs and I have wine. And I'm free of MOLs. Until the next one...

Dammit

HELP!!

I am being oppressed by the health Nazis.

Smoking ban in all pubs and clubs

MPs have voted by huge margins to ban smoking from all pubs and private members' clubs in England. Ministers offered a free vote amid fears of a Labour backbench rebellion against government plans to exempt clubs and pubs not serving food. MPs decided by a margin of 328 to ban smoking from all pubs. They then voted by 200 to extend this to clubs.

You won't be so smug if the shallow, non-committed smokers start giving up in droves and your income tax has to rise will you?

Well don't say I didn't warn you.

Or is it not abuse when our side do it?

The land of the free and the home of the brave?

Report: U.S. Is Abusing Captives

NEW YORK — A draft United Nations report on the detainees at Guantanamo Bay concludes that the U.S. treatment of them violates their rights to physical and mental health and, in some cases, constitutes torture.

It also urges the United States to close the military prison in Cuba and bring the captives to trial on U.S. territory, charging that Washington's justification for the continued detention is a distortion of international law.

The report, compiled by five U.N. envoys who interviewed former prisoners, detainees' lawyers and families, and U.S. officials, is the product of an 18-month investigation ordered by the U.N. Commission on Human Rights. The team did not have access to prisoners at Guantanamo Bay.

Nonetheless, its findings — notably a conclusion that the violent force-feeding of hunger strikers, incidents of excessive violence used in transporting prisoners and combinations of interrogation techniques "must be assessed as amounting to torture" — are likely to stoke U.S. and international criticism of the prison.

Nearly 500 people captured abroad since 2002 in Afghanistan and elsewhere and described by the U.S. as "enemy combatants" are being held at Guantanamo Bay.

"We very, very carefully considered all of the arguments posed by the U.S. government," said Manfred Nowak, the U.N. special rapporteur on torture and one of the envoys. "There are no conclusions that are easily drawn. But we concluded that the situation in several areas violates international law and conventions on human rights and torture."

The draft report, reviewed by the Los Angeles Times, has not been officially released. U.N. officials are in the process of incorporating comments and clarifications from the U.S. government.

In November, the Bush administration offered the U.N. team the same tour of the prison given to journalists and members of Congress, but refused the envoys access to prisoners. Because of that, the U.N. group declined the visit.

And now we know why. Now we have a clue at what Bush is hiding. After reading the report into Hurricane Katrina this morning I was just thinking that my opinion of his administration couldn't sink any lower. How wrong I was.

Of rights and wrongs

People piss me off sometimes. OK, people piss me off quite a lot and rarely more so than when they spout their ignorant, thoughtless opinions and expect me to listen. So many people have it in their heads that all opinions are equal and that their ignorant, tabloid-fuelled, verbal diarrhoea is as valid a contribution to a debate as a reasoned, thoughtful opinion based on having weighed up as many of the facts as are available and forming a judgment based on this knowledge.

All day I’ve been listening to people commenting on the latest horror story to come out of Iraq. 99% of the great unwashed to whom I have been forced to listen hold opinions along the lines of ‘those Iraqi kids got what they deserved’; ‘a beating was too good for them’; you get the picture.

What the fuck? Are we living in some sort of moral vacuum now where it is OK for ‘our boys’ to commit acts of abuse as long as they aren’t quite as bad as the other side, because if we are can you stop the fucking bus so that I can get off and walk the rest of the way alone.

Our leaders have set us a really bad example by starting this immoral and illegal war in the first place but that makes it even more important that the rest of us maintain a high standard of decency, propriety and humanity.

Once the WMD justification for the invasion was exposed as an empty lie, forced upon a world either too gullible or too fucking stupid to stand up to Bush/Bliar and the insatiable appetite of their industrial war machine, we have been told that we’re there because Saddam brutally beat and oppressed his people. Doesn’t this impose on us some sort of obligation not to beat and oppress people ourselves?

I’m not justifying the actions of those rioters, they had sent a mortar bomb into the compound and were stoning our soldiers, but had some thought been put into the aftermath of Saddam’s inevitable defeat, some plan devised for winning the hearts and minds of the Iraqi populous then maybe, just maybe our forces would be seen as a liberating rather than an occupying force.

Violence only begets more violence. When the fuck will people learn?

Ha. Ha ha ha.

Serves the useless bastards right.

Wanadoo rapped over advertising

Wanadoo has been criticised for adverts which failed to show that one of its fast broadband schemes was only available to a limited number of users. The Advertising Standards Authority (ASA) found that when the adverts first appeared, the firm's 8 megabit service could only be used by 4.7% of people. The high speed depended on upgrades to users' local phone exchanges which had only been carried out in a few areas. Wanadoo said it had now "slightly tweaked" its adverts.

In its ruling, the ASA also found that the firm had failed to show in its advertisements whether the 8 megabit speed referred to downloading or uploading, or both. Wanadoo was also criticised for failing to show that certain services were only free for the first six months of a user's contract. "We have slightly tweaked our advertising as a result of the ASA ruling," said Wanadoo. "Our promise is, and always has been, to give customers the fastest speed that their line can currently handle with a free upgrade to the faster speeds once their local exchange has been upgraded by Wanadoo."

Wanadoo is inexplicably one of the UK's most popular broadband providers.

Dudes, Wanadoo are a lying shower of shits. I briefly alluded to my complaint with them some months ago. It started in May last year when they took two direct debits off me in the space of two weeks despite my agreement with them being for one a month. I incurred bank charges as the second one was the day before I got paid and who has money in their account the day before payday eh? Not bloody me matey. Wanadoo just blamed my bank saying they always request payment on the same day but it is up to the bank what day it is actually paid to them. Despite several letters from my bank manager confirming that this was untrue, that the mistake was Wanadoo's and that they did actually request two payments in those two weeks, they just stuck to their story like mindless automatons. I must have written them a dozen letters and just got the same reply each time. I even wrote to the chief exec twice though I didn't get a reply. So I gave them and myself Christmas off and have now escalated my moaning to BACS who manage the direct debit system. I'll let you know what happens.

I do love a good grumble.

Good shot!!

The world has a new hero!

Egg thrown at Kelly outside court

Education Secretary Ruth Kelly was struck with an egg as she left a court on Monday after the case of a protester who had targeted her previously. Ms Kelly was hit on the head with the egg outside Salford Magistrates' Court. Greater Manchester Police charged Michael Downes, 43, of Foxfield Road, Wythenshawe, Manchester with common assault on Monday evening.

Mr Downes, sir I salute you.

This passed my radar last week, but I stuck it on the back burner to see if an oak would grow, to mix metaphors. The idea of The Pipeline Card is strength in numbers. A discount has it seems already been negotiated with a major petrol retailer and the idea is thus - we buy our petrol from them and get a discount of up to 5p a litre. May be a utopian dream but what have you got to lose by registering? Channel 4 News have picked up on it so it might just be a goer. Sign up and see.

Shopping

I couldn't resist it.