Hull 0

This hasn't cheered me up much either.

Pop group Beautiful South split

Pop group The Beautiful South - known for such melodious hits as Song For Whoever, A Little Time, Perfect 10 and Rotterdam - have split.

In a two-line statement, the Hull-based band, formed by former members of the Housemartins, attributed their break-up to "musical similarities".

"The band would like to thank everyone for their 19 wonderful years in music," the statement said.

Everybody likes The Beautiful South don't they. Saw them live a few times. I even saw Paul Heaton in Leeds once sober. Nevermind.

I've just had a go on my new beard trimmer, or personal grooming kit as the box rather grandiosely declares. It has six, yes six, attachments for grooming bits I didn't realise were supposed to be groomed. For an extra 3 quid I could have got one with 10 attachments but no good would have come from it. I'd only have ended up shaving strange and intricate patterns into the cats. They would run away and then who would be sorry? Bother is, now my beard is all trimmed, I'm a little bit worried that I have started to resemble Tsar Nicholas II, which isn't a good look for a Marxist.

I nearly bought a guitar today as well. I've been promising myself one for ages and at lunchtime I saw an acoustic in the window of one of them pikey shops up Smelly Alley in Reading. Only fifteen quid which I thought was a bargain. If you're wondering, by the way, why I keep saying quid instead of using the pound sign, it's because I can't find it on this European keyboard. French plot no doubt. Anyway, not wanting to drag a guitar back to work, I left early and headed back up to S A with my cash, but it had been sold. What are the chances? So I bought some weed instead. Smoke 'em if you got 'em.

Easy now.

The noose tightens?

A week after the arrest of Ruth Turner aka Blair's gate keeper, the rozzers investigating the 'cash for honours affair' have rearrested Lord Levy, Labour's chief fundraiser. He was questioned, not over the affair itself but on suspicion of conspiracy to pervert the course of justice. This could confirm the rumours that it is Blair himself who is at the centre of the mire, with his obedient acolytes doing all they can to muddy the path to his door. Concerned, as he clearly is, over where his place in history will be, he must be worried that he will be remembered chiefly for the shambles that is Iraq and for being the first serving prime minister to be questioned by police conducting a criminal investigation. All this from the man who came to power promising to cut the sleaze out of British politics.

The reputation of politicians in general could not get much lower but they do not seem to care. What annoys me most about this story now is my belief that tonight, the political machine at Number 10 is not looking at how to restore confidence in the Home Office or at new, imaginative approaches to Iraq and the wider Middle East. It is not concerned with global warming, the NHS or Northern Ireland. Instead it is grubbing around trying to find out who knows what, it is hypothesising on what the law may or may not know and how best to deflect any coming prosecutions. It is simply trying to save its own skin. We deserve better.

Tuesday

But it could be Monday...

The Sony Cybershot whot I purchased not 4 months ago has already bust. Wandered back up to the shop at lunchtime hoping for a swift replacement but was told that Sony’s warranty only covers repairs not replacements. So I have to send the ‘king thing off and be inconvenienced while they fix it. Arse.

I then strolled up to WHSmith to get a Jiffy bag in order to send said camera to Sony. At the till I was asked if I wanted to pre-order the next Harry Potter book. Rather than launch off into a full scale tirade about why the fuck would I want to buy such an item given that its predecessors are all poorly written, derivative, inane, shallow and repetitive pieces of crap and while we’re on the subject how in the name of all that is unholy did Rowling become richer than Croesus by writing such utter, utter crap, I politely said no thank you. Arse.

Then I had a look on Perez Hilton’s wonderful site to cheer myself up and was horrified to see that Girls Aloud and the Sugababes have united to cover one of the finest songs ever performed, the genius that is Aerosmith & Run DMC’s Walk This Way. One question. WHY?? (cute) arses.

Then I looked at the cricket score. Arse and double arse.

Update.

Ha!!! Cross me and see what happens. Are you listening Sony?..

Japanese electronics giant Sony has unveiled 5.3% a drop in profits

Dismal

England's calamitous tour of Australia plunged to a fresh low, as they were beaten by nine wickets in Adelaide having been skittled for a feeble 110.

Australia rested regular new-ball bowlers Glenn McGrath and Nathan Bracken but were still far too good. Left-arm pace bowler Mitchell Johnson took 4-45 - England equalling their ninth lowest score in one-dayers.

And the Aussies got home with more than 25 overs to spare in another hopeless mismatch between the two sides.

I’m torn between having a big old grumble and suggesting that the tour should be ended here and now to prevent further embarrassment, or insisting that they stay out there to prolong the abuse which the team are no doubt getting from the Australian media. Maybe then we’ll not go into the next Ashes tour quite so desperately overconfident and under prepared.

Shambles.

You Spurs

European success the easy way...

Spurs get bye to Uefa Cup last 16

Tottenham have been given a bye into the last 16 of the Uefa Cup, subject to a possible appeal from scheduled opponents Feyenoord.
The Dutch club were kicked out following crowd trouble earlier in the season against French side Nancy.

As I understand it, there is a crack team of undercover Spurs fans on the way to Europe in order to stir up trouble at all the remaining ties. We should get a bye all the way to the final. Easy.

And it's no wonder the French never win anything in Europe if all there teams have names like Nancy. **snigger**

Happy Birthday

to the legend that is Johnny Clarke

Polite people, crazy feet
Night people... funky but neat

Burt Bacarach... a zillion strings
cool aromatic... luxury surroundings
See no evil... cheat cheat
Night people, funky but neat

Mr. Cavendish... meets Elizabeth
What happens is none of my business
Quite legal... short and sweet
Night people, funky but neat

Stereo heapdphones... whisper and shout
Invisible saxaphones fade in and out
Like treacle... tacky but sweet...
Night people, funky but neat

Twilight restaurants... you get it on a plate
No matter what you want...
but you've got to wait

Don't get the needle... and never speak
Night people, funky but neat

I like the nightlife... give me danger
I had a nice wife... she was a stranger
One of the people, I never meet
Night people, funky but neat

Quite a party we have found...
Mazaratti’s, Afghan Hounds
The right people... the wrong street
Night people, funky but neat

© John Cooper Clarke

Fox fight

I’ve been fiercely critical of religious hypocrites in the past. You know the sort of people who ignore the central message of all religions, that love is always better than hate and who use their religion to spread a message of intolerance. Amongst the worst of the bunch is the Jim Phelps’ Westboro Baptist Church who appear mainly to be a bunch of anti-gay bigots hiding behind their religious beliefs. Followers of Westboro believe that the Iraq war is a result of the USA’s tolerance of homosexuality and that the soldiers who die in that war are being taken by god as punishment. They even turn up at the funerals of the Iraq war dead and demonstrate.

I have also been fiercely critical of Fox News, mainly because I feel that they should be more honest and call themselves the ‘Isn’t George Bush Fabulous' News Channel. One thing I will say about Fox though is that they are passionately patriotic; blindly so on occasions. But they do love America and love is sometimes blind isn’t it?

So when Shirley Phelps Roper of the Westboro sect met Julie Banderas of Fox News there were bound to be sparks. And there were. Have a look.



Ms Banderas, I salute you. Minx.

Throw away the keys?

So, the criminal justice system is again under the spotlight. In particular, the way we deal with offenders and the prison system itself is coming in for a deal of criticism. This stems from the fact that there are about 3 prison places left in the UK, leading the Home Secretary to beg judges not to bang up any more people. The response from the tabloids has been typical and typically depressing.

There is however one flaw in the argument that we should lock more people up for the ‘good of society’. It is a massive, gaping and obvious flaw, yet one that is overlooked every time this particular debate makes the front pages. It is this, the assumption that prison works.

Prison does not work.

According to Reform, the reoffending rate for all offenders is 61%, meaning that 61% of people released from prison will be back inside within 24 months. The rate is 73% for all offenders aged 15-18 and a massive 82% for male offenders in this age group. Is this a tale of success, something we should be proud of? If for example, 24 months after leaving hospital 61% of people were back on the same ward with the same complaint, would we consider the NHS a success? If 61% of people died in a road accident within two years of taking their driving test, would we consider driving tests to be top notch? I very much doubt it.

Prisons are full of people who are, in the main, amongst the most disadvantaged in society. Prisons contain the uneducated, the dispossessed, those suffering from drug and alcohol addiction, the mentally ill who are unable to find appropriate treatment in the ‘real world’ and so are sent to prison to be kept out of harms way. Some of this may be the individual’s own fault, but don’t people deserve a second chance? Of course prisons also contain violent, dangerous and repeat offenders, people who do need to be removed from society for the good of us all, but they are a fraction of the total.

What prisons need to do, what they must do is reform. If a person enters prison unable to read or write, they must leave able to read and write. If a person enters prison addicted to hard drugs, they must leave clean. Only then do they have a chance of re-entering society on equal terms with the rest of us. They will then be able to contribute to society rather than drawing from society.

This radical departure from the perceived wisdom would of course take more political will than any party has shown in recent years. The problem is that the results would not be immediate. It would take a couple of years maybe for there to be a drop in the reoffending rate and hence a fall in overall crime and a reduction in the massive cost to society both fiscal and physical. The tabloids demand action now and our leaders respond with more of the same, giving no regard to the realities of a situation. Do we really want to be governed by the Daily M**l?

We don't want no cups

We have a great drink vending machine here at work. It is immense, the size of a small bus, it makes cacophony of strange and interesting noises but produces the best machine coffee that I have ever had in an office based environment. Truly, it is wonderful.

A feature I particularly like is the ‘No Cup’ option. This means that I can place my new Spurs mug underneath the little nozzley thing, press the ‘No Cup’ button and receive an infusion of hot coffee directly into said mug. I can also get 2 plastic cups worth of coffee into my mug thereby halving the number of times I have to get up from my seat. I believe that’s called a win-win situation.

This morning however the machine is out of plastic cups. No problem I thought, I don’t want one of your stupid cups anyway cos I have my mug. I pressed the ‘no cup’ button followed by 22 (coffee, white, no sugar) and the machine just beeped at me. The LCD display advised “Unable to vend – no cups”. But I don’t want a cup!!! So I tried again. Same result.

What the hell is that all about? If it has cups, you can select the ‘no cup’ option, but if has no cups you can’t. It’s almost Kafkaesque in its baffling anti-logic. Fucking thing’s going to start singing “Daisy, Daisy” soon, you mark my words. And then it’s going out the window.

Anyone got a kettle I can borrow?