Citizens

The new citizenship test comes into force today. From now, anyone wanting to become a British citizen (we're actually subjects not citizens but I'll let that pass for now) has to take a test on British culture, values, laws, traditions - that sort of thing.

It was only a couple of weeks ago that I laughed as I failed the US citizenship test. Today however, I've just failed the British one!!

I'm stateless. I have declared my flat an independent republic and cut off diplomatic relations with the UK. Please call me Mr President.

Happy Halloween

Bush - sense of humour failure

With Libby being indicted, Rove still under investigation, 2000 US troops dead from the illegal, immoral Iraq war, not to mention the 60 plus Iraqi civillians who die every day (up from 40 a day 12 months ago) and a general feeling of implosion surrounding Bush's presidency it's good to see the White House retaining its sense of proportion.

As was widely reported earlier this week, the White House's legal team are insisting that The Onion cease using the Presidential seal in their weekly satire of the President's radio address to the nation.

The Onion have responded to the request in exactly the way you would expect.

Laura Bush - I just wish I could stop shitting blood.

Genius.

Rosa

OK cat fans. Here are the first pictures...

Oi oi!!

Guess whose back online today,
That moaning twat whose been away...

So I've finally spoken to the person at BT with the brain. My empty life is now complete and I'm back in the ring.

Firstly, the redesign is gone. It looked great in IE but shit in Opera and Firefox. As these are the browsers I care about I've reverted back to the old template which I will tweak over the weekend to see what I can do. Bare with me.

Problem 2 is this. Before speaking to Mr Brain this evening I spoke to a shaved chimp who convinced me that it was the PC stopping my connection, not BT's exchange. He told me I had a 'winsoc error'. WTF?? After discussions with Microsoft and some other helpdesks during which I removed and reinstalled various drives - the normal IT routine, I was told that I needed to reset my PC back to the defaults. And, stupidly I agreed. Although I backed up a lot of stuff, all my tweaks are gone, all my favourites, emails, etc.... I've got that nasty XP look back and I need to do a shit load of work to get things returned to how I like them. And I have man-flu.

Balls.

See you soon.

Crusading

I’ve called BT twice more since Monday and I’ve got two more reasons why I still have no connection. The new modem which I was promised yesterday didn’t show up, but neither of the people I’ve spoken to this week think that it is at fault. Yesterday I was told that sometimes extension leads cause problems so was I using an extension lead? Yes, but that’s because my PC it at the opposite end of my flat to the phone socket and the lead BT provided is too short. However, the extension lead I bought is a real quality one, way better than the crappy lead from BT. But I was told it could still be the problem. So I had to pull my PC apart, move it into the room with the socket, reassemble it, boot it up, anticipation building…… all the modem lights came on…… but no connection. Goddamn it. Taking positives from the situation though (NLP kicking in) it gave me a chance to clean the back of my tower. Don’t they get dusty?!!

I reassembled my now sparkling ‘puter, put it back where it lives, booted it up and listened to Bob Dylan while playing crazy golf and cursing BT. I’ve had to leave my modem on again today so that they can tinker from their end. I’m going out to dinner tonight with an old friend so they will have an evening off from my incessant moaning but I’m taking a few days holiday, from tomorrow until the middle of next week so will be able to call them maybe 3 or 4 times a day! Saying that though, the reason I’m off is because I get a new kitten tomorrow so I’ll probably have my hands full. Since Will died, Billie has been like a little lost sheep, she hates being on her own so it’s as much for her as me. Really. There’s enough kitten stuff on the internet already but do indulge me if I post a few kitten pics over the weekend or next week. This will of course depend on when (if?) BT connect me. My kitten will be named Rosa by the way.

So, crusades. I’m having a real down on companies whose initial letter is B. I was driving home earlier in the week and noticed that the BP garage nearest my office is selling unleaded at 93.9p a litre. Tip top I thought to myself, I’ll fill up at BP. About 4 miles further along my journey home I passed another BP station, in Bagshot and they were selling unleaded at 97.9p a litre. In Windsor it was 95.9p a litre. I popped into Reading last night - 92.9p a litre. The fuckers charge what they think they can get away with. Windsor and Bagshot - posh areas - fleece the bastards. Reading and Farnborough - pikey - so it’s cheaper. As a socialist of course I’d normally approve of fucking the rich over but although the queen lives in Windsor (she has one of her castles here anyway. It’s a nice pad. Gimme a shout if you visit and I’ll get you in cheaply) and there are plenty of wealthy people, the majority of us don’t earn a fortune. You don’t have to go too far from the castle to discover that Windsor is just like any other town. It’s old estates, it’s tatty round the edges, it’s nothing special. So for no reason other than to see how they can justify this abuse of the consumer, I’ve emailed BP;

Dear BP

In Windsor, where I live, my nearest BP station sells unleaded at 95.9p a litre. I work in Farnborough where the nearest BP station sells unleaded at 93.9p a litre. I drive to work through Bagshot where the BP station sells unleaded at 97.9p a litre. In Reading last night I saw a BP forecourt offering unleaded for 92.9p a litre.

I appreciate that you exist to make a profit, but how can you justify such a wide price range in such a small geographical area? Should I have to pay more for my petrol because I live in a ‘wealthy’ area?

Yours etc…..

I’ll let you know what they say.

Ouchy

Baseball hurts.

History

Nice little history test on the BBC.

I got 11/12. I did!!

The customer is always a pain in the ass

I'm still not back online at home. It's a shambles...

Tuesday

Call to BT Technical Helpdesk.

Hello BT. You told me that my line would be down for half an hour, it has now been 6 hours – what’s going on?

Your system is working according to my information.

Well, my modem is lit up certainly, but I cannot get online.

Can you ... we spend 10 minutes changing settings, uninstalling, reinstalling, rebooting………

Mmmm, I think the fault is at the exchange. It will take us 3 days to check.

3 days!! That’s rubbish.

Sorry sir.

Well, I have no choice do I?

No sir. We need to look into this.


Call to BT Customer Service, 20 minutes later

Retold the above... What sort of service do you call this? No one knows what is happening.

Sorry sir. Your job is shown as closed. Everything must be working.

But it isn’t. You don’t know what you’re doing.

Let me speak to the technical desk.

hold music

Mr Day? I’ve spoken to the technical line they say things will be sorted by Friday.

They told me that. It is very poor though, certainly not the half an hour downtime I was led to believe was normal. I’m not paying anything yet am I? I’m not paying for this shambles.

I’ll make a note of that.


Friday

BT Technical Helpdesk

Hello BT. You told me I’d be back on line today but I still cannot access anything. What’s going on?

Let me run a check. Everything is fine according to my system.

I keep getting told this, but I cannot get online.

Let me run another check. Is your DSL light on?

Yes.

Is it flashing or solid?

Solid.

Is it flashing now?

Yes.

I think you have a dodgy modem. We’ll send you a new one but it might take a week.

A week!! I was told it was the exchange and it would be sorted by today. I’ve already had no service for 4 days now you say another week. This is shitty.

Sorry sir but that’s how long it takes.

OK. Who do I complain to?

Call 0800…….. (should I be concerned that the technical helpdesk know the complaints number by heart?)


BT Customer Service (Saturday, after I requested a call-back on Friday that didn’t happen)

Retold the above tale of woe.

That’s very poor sir. Let me speak to the technical people to find out what is happening.

hold music

Mr Day? I’m not sure what to say. The helpdesk will only tell me that you are marked down for further investigations. They won’t speak to me beyond that.

That’s not good is it? One bit of BT refusing to talk to another bit of BT trying to assist an angry customer?

No sir. It isn’t good. I’m angry as well.

You’re not as angry as I am, let me assure you of that.

No sir. All I can do is apologise. The technical people have your number and are promising a call back by next Friday.

Friday? I’ll have been off line for 10 days then. You said half an hour. If I’d have known you were this rubbish I’d have stayed with Wanadoo. Their customer service was this crappy but at least they connected me. I’m not paying yet am I?

No sir. We won’t start billing you until you go online.

I think I should have the first month for free.

I’ll make a note of that.

What does that mean?

It means I’m making a note of that so that we can review the situation when you are connected and we review the matter.

I want a free month. Actually I just want to be connected. Is that too much to ask?

I can only apologise……

So I have apologies, but no service. I could weep.

The Pitch Drop Experiment

This is a nice bit of science. Pitch is a tar dervivative and appears at room temperature to be a solid. In fact it is a highly viscous fluid as The Pitch Drop Experiment shows.

Glass has the same property. Although very solid and brittle at room temperature, the glass in very old church windows is thinner at the top than the bottom because the glass has 'flowed' downwards over the years.

ID Card update

Why are the standards of customer service so appalling in this shitty country? I am in the process of swapping my broadband provider. I have fallen out with Wanadoo over what started as a small complaint, but due to their inability to deal with it in a way that could be considered even remotely proficient, has escalated into a serious grievance on my part. I’ll not bore you with the details, but I think I can say without fear of libel that Wanadoo are a total shower of incompetent bastards. Swayed by all the adverts about people returning to BT because of how great they are, I take my custom to them. BT assure me that my line will be dead for barely half an hour during the change-over. That would be too much to expect though wouldn’t it. Wanadoo cut me off early yesterday morning and BT still haven’t connected me yet. Thank god I have internet access at work. Well, thank the IT department anyway, as I doubt god micro-manages to this scale. I certainly wouldn’t if I was the divine one. After creating the whole universe in seven days I’d still be relaxing with a phatty and a G&T, or chasing nymphs round the garden of Eden, that sort of thing. But I digress.

So, ID cards. The ID card Bill will be debated in the Commons tonight and MPs will vote on whether or not the Bill gets a third reading. This will be a test of balls for backbench Labour MPs many of whom have serious doubts over the need for a scheme, its cost and the potential for it all turning into a shambolic farce. How un-British would that be eh? I hope wavering MPs have seen these stories.

According to the BBC the technology is still far from perfect despite what the Home Office tells us. If you have brown eyes or are bald the scanners may not recognise you. As a brown-eyed baldy I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. This story follows the revelations in May that the scanners have trouble identifying black, elderly and disabled people.

Worse news for the government comes via The Scotsman who report that Microsoft have raised major doubts over the security and integrity of the proposed database. Microsoft may be seen as the anti-christ by many, but they know about computers don’t they. Jerry Fishenden from Microsoft states that putting so much of our personal and biometric information in one place is a ridiculously risky thing to do and could actually increase the amount of fraud rather than reduce is. As Jerry says “Unlike other forms of information, such as credit card details, if core biometric details such as your fingerprints are compromised, it is not going to be possible to provide you with new ones".

The case for ID cars is yet to be convincingly made. All we know for sure is that our civil liberties will be eroded for no proven benefit. Join the NO2ID campaign and fight against this government’s fascist agenda.

Quote of the day

From the glorious Wonderfalls.

Well, just look at them. They all work really hard everyday and they're dissatisfied. I mean, I can be dissatisfied without hardly working at all.

More

(Slightly) Interesting fact. The theme tune of Wonderfalls was written by the legend that is Andy Partridge of XTC. My my, the sun is pie.

I'm staying at home

Hurrah

You Failed the US Citizenship Test

Oops, you only got 5 out of 10 right!

Could You Pass the US Citizenship Test?

Unhappy birthday

I've come to wish you an unhappy birthday
Because you're evil and you lie
And if you should die
I may feel slightly sad
But I won't cry.

The BBC are doing one of their Have Your Say thingys on Th@tch*r. Please take the time to email them all your rude, cruel, bitter and hateful comments about the nasty old witch. I have.

The kind people
Have a wonderful dream
Margaret on the guillotine
Cause people like you
Make me feel so tired
When will you die ?
When will you die ?
When will you die ?
When will you die ?
When will you die ?

And people like you
Make me feel so old inside
Please die

And kind people
Do not shelter this dream
Make it real
Make the dream real
Make the dream real
Make it real
Make the dream real
Make it real

Stephen Patrick Morrissey

Say it ain't so

This is just wrong in so many ways.

An opera singer is helping England cricket star Andrew Flintoff release a record.
The burly all-rounder is aiming for a number one Christmas hit, most probably with the anthem Jerusalem. Manchester-based singer Jon Christos has been training all-rounder 'Freddie' to perform the song.

Has it all gone to his head? I mean, Cliff Richard (cynically) releases christmas records, Mr Blobby, Bob the Builder, the roll of shame is endless. Freddie has credibility though, he is truly loved I'm not sure an Xmas record will help.

Staying with sport, England play Poland tonight, both teams having already qualified for the World Cup next year in Germany. Everybody else has been having their say and so I feel obliged to join in.

To say that England have been a bit below par recently is a bit like saying Hitler was a bit naughty. We've been shocking. Sven has copped a good deal of the criticism and much of it is deserved. Think back to Italy in 1990. Bobby Robson had at his disposal only a couple of great players, Gazza and Lineker come to mind, but the numbers were made up by a load of decent, honest, hardworking team players. Bobby Robson made them into a hell of a team. He built on the strengths and weaknesses of his own players and designed tactics to frustrate and ultimately beat the teams put before him. Some say it was cynical, but wasn't it entertaining!? Weren't you on the edge of your seat every match? By contrast, Sven can select his team from some of the best players in the world, Beckham, Owen, Rooney, Gerrard, Sol C, Ferdinand, Terry, King, Shaun WP, Lampard, Defoe, players any manager would want. And what is he doing with them? Nothing. England have looked like a collection of average players who met for the first time in the car park an hour before kick off. There's no passion, no commitment, no heart. Sven sits on the bench like Professor Yaffle, the carved book end, leaving the shouting and the motivating to Steve McLaren. It just isn't good enough. Contrast with Sam Allardyce. Anyone else watch Bolton in the UEFA Cup recently? Sam was on his feet the whole time, shouting his team on, chiding, screaming, waving his arms like a drowning man. And didn't Bolton over-achieve? It was a reflection of Sam, he's a motivator, he lives every moment of every match with his players. That's what England need. That's what England deserve. The FA need to make it so.

Life's a ride

The world is like a ride at an amusement park and when you choose to go on it you think it's real 'cause that's how powerful our minds are. The ride goes up and down and round and round, it has thrills and chills, it's very brightly colored and it's very loud, and it's fun--for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time, and they begin to question, "Is this real, or is this just a ride?" And other people have remembered, and they come back to us and they say, "Hey, don't worry, and don't be afraid--ever--because this is just a ride." And we kill those people.



It's just a ride. And we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, a choice right now: between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your door, buy guns, close yourself off; the eyes of love instead see all of us as one. Here's what we could do to change the world right now, to a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defense each year and instead spend it feeding, clothing, and educating the poor of the world, which it would, many times over, not one human being would be excluded, and then we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever. Peace. Bill Hicks.

I just wanted an excuse to post a picture of Eric I found earlier.

The famous five (percent)

CBS's latest poll is a cracker. Not only is Bush well on his way to becoming the most unpopular president in US history (37% approve, 58% disapprove, what's taken you so long?) he's actually seen as a real threat by an increasing number of people!

U.S. MOST IMPORTANT PROBLEM

War in Iraq 18%
Economy and jobs 16%
Gas/oil crisis 5%
President Bush 5%
Terrorism 4%

Isn't that great! People now see Bush as a bigger threat than terrorism!! Come here you 5%, let me kiss your cheeks.

Via Crimes and Corruptions of the New World Order.

Wanderings

I've recently started a course of NLP. In the past when my demons have resurfaced I've always visited my GP who, although he is one of the better doctors I've had over the years, will always suggest upping the dose of my meds as a 'short term measure' while calm returns to my mind. It works but I've always thought there had to be a better way.

NLP is a way of modifying your mental behaviour. It aims to reprogramme the way you think of yourself so that you look more at the positives and less at the negatives. This seems ideal for someone like me, whom a psychiatrist once described as a 'catastrophist', meaning that in any given situation, my first thought always tends to be 'what is the worst thing that can happen?' so I worry and stress over what might go wrong, rather than what might go right.

Exercise has been shown to help depressives a great deal by releasing the body's own natural endorphins and thereby enhancing the mood. Being 38, a drinker, a smoker and a lazy bastard, my first promise to myself was that I'll start taking exercise. Not running marathons or dragging my saggy arse up steep inclines, more stiff walks through the beautiful countryside I'm lucky enough to be surrounded by. We're having a splendid autumn here in the UK. Although it is well into October, the leaves are only just beginning to turn yellow and fall, the sun has been shining brilliantly and it has been unseasonably warm. Late this afternoon I laced up my DMs and set off for my weekend constitutional. Through the village, across the green and along the Thames. Then across the playing fields of Eton and thence home, refreshed, relaxed and feeling as if I have achieved something positive.

Autumn has to be my favourite season, especially when it stays warm. There are just so many colours, so many smells, so much calm. And of course there are conkers everywhere. Whose mind isn't taken back to the school yard when the conkers start to drop? Making holes with your compass, trying to thread your shoe laces through the woefully inadequate hole, bruised knuckles, the pain and pleasure of winning and losing. I had a winning conker at middle school one year (about 1978?), shaped like a Brazil nut it went unbeaten throughout September until it met its inevitable nemesis. This was in the form of a conker that, to be honest looked like one of those tiny meteorites you just occasionally see, a little ball of rough iron. But you'd not make a hole in a lump of iron with a school compass so it must have been legitimate. Now of course conkers is an endangered pastime. Aren't kids hardy enough to take a few knocks? Isn't it part of the process of growing up to find out for yourself what hurts and what doesn't? It's all very sad.

As for the NLP, it is all going well so far. I'm slightly concerned that my lack of fury has effected and reduced the vitriolic writing I so enjoy, but no doubt it won't be long before Bliar or Bush says or does something which winds my spleen up into a code red. Or before I find a new, constructive way of gaining the same effect. Mellow Phylos will try to keep you entertained until then.

Peace & prizes

Massive congratulations to the United Nations' International Atomic Energy Agency and its director, Mohamed ElBaradei who have won the Nobel Peace Prize. I'm pleased it didn't go to Bono who was also nominated, though for quite what I am at a loss to explain.

The UN and the IAEA in particular may not be popular in Washington or London for preaching peace and negotiation over war and death, but this award is a timely reminder as to the work they quietly do and the success which they have achieved.

There has been a noticeable increase in sabre rattling over the last week. Despite Jack Straw's recent ascertain that an attack on Iran is inconceivable, Bush still refuses to rule it out, which must come as a surprise to no one. This week has seen a (curiously) anonymous British 'official' accuse Iran of being behind attacks on British occupiers in Iran, then an Iranian denial which was ignored by Bliar who issued a warning to Iran yesterday that they had better behave.

Then of course last night we had New York's police chief and mayor both claiming that an attack on the New York subwaywas imminent, although Homeland Security Department disagree. This seems to be nothing more than the politics of fear. Keeping us all scared so that we will be more receptive to the opening up of a new front in the US/UK's bid to control more of that lovely Middle Eastern oil.

Hans Blix said prior to the invasion that he doubted Iraq had any WMD, he just needed a little more time to prove it. That time was denied and thousands upon thousands have died as a result. Blix has been proved right. Mohamed ElBaradei has certainly been tougher on Iran than Blix was on Iraq, but he will know that if Bush wants a war Bush will have a war. And so he must also be prepared to stand up to the politicians whose arrogant (god given?) belief in their own agendas threatens the peace and stability we all presently enjoy.

Gods and monsters

Astonishing.

Bush: God told me to invade Iraq

President George Bush has claimed he was told by God to invade Iraq and attack Osama bin Laden's stronghold of Afghanistan as part of a divine mission to bring peace to the Middle East, security for Israel, and a state for the Palestinians. The President made the assertion during his first meeting with Palestinian leaders in June 2003, according to a BBC series which will be broadcast this month.

OK, so the White House have denied it, but does anyone believe anything that comes out of Scott McClellan’s mouth?

The Blues Brothers were on a mission from god. Bush is surely doing the devil's work. What sort of a god would approve of wholesale slaughter on either side of any conflict? It used to trouble me when I was in the RAF that ordained ministers of all faiths were prepared to join an armed force. Doesn’t violence go against the teachings of all religions? Is anyone else bothered by padres, chaplains or whatever holding services on the eve of battle, reassuring troops that god will watch over them? I just vision god up in heaven scratching his head and muttering darkly to himself “I’m sure I said something about not killing. Oh yes, here it is number six – thou shalt not kill. Hmmm. Those humans really don’t get it do they? I’m putting the dolphins in charge next time.” And it isn’t just the Christians. The Quran expressly forbids the killing of innocents, yet I’m sure Allah is invoked prior to every roadside bombing or suicide attack.

Organised religion is a poisonous cancer people. Ignore them all.

Ouchy

Angling hurts kids. Great x-ray though. One for the family album.

Weight flies inside angler's eye

A freak accident saw an angler's lead weight fly through his eye socket and become embedded inside his cheek.

Darren Williams, 34, of Wrexham, had a five-hour operation to repair his shattered cheekbone with a metal plate. The machine operator was on a fishing trip on Anglesey when his line became snagged and the weight flew up. "I was so lucky - if it had been a few millimetres in the other direction then I would have lost my eye," he said.

He is keeping the weight as a souvenir after doctors gave it back to him.

Of biting off and chewing

Gosh! Not a headline you see every day. (Thanks Claire)

Snake bursts after gobbling gator

An unusual clash between a 6-foot (1.8m) alligator and a 13-foot (3.9m) python has left two of the deadliest predators dead in Florida's swamps. The Burmese python tried to swallow its fearsome rival whole but then exploded. The remains of the two giant reptiles were found by astonished rangers in the Everglades National Park. The rangers say the find suggests that non-native Burmese pythons might even challenge alligators' leading position in the food chain in the swamps.

We don’t use the word gator much in the UK. We don’t have anything that large and reptilian native to this country except Mrs Thatcher and she normally takes a humanoid(ish) form.
Gatorade is beginning to find its way into UK shops, but the biggest gator related product has to be the legendary Gator Grip . I’ve ever actually seen one in B&Q (and believe me I know my way round B&Q) so I think they are mail order only like those dreadful compilation albums which are always advertised on UK Living or The History Channel. The gator grip advert was a classic. It made you wonder how on earth you have managed to live without it for so long. It was an American advert though and all American averts seem to be like that. When Fox News cut to a commercial we normally just get a series of weather maps, which is handy if you want to know what the temperature will be in Manila tomorrow afternoon but otherwise it’s just a bit dull. Occasionally though the bloke forgets to press cut the button and we get a whole 2 minutes of full-on US advertising. I could watch that all day. Every product is ‘new’ ‘improved’ or ‘advanced’. UK advertising is exactly the opposite. Everything is ‘old fashioned’, ‘traditional’ or ‘made to an 11th century recipe’. Even new things have to have some connection to the mythical British past when we all loved each other and the trains ran on time. “Buy the new BMW 5 Series. It’s got ABS, computer controlled ignition, a thatched roof and a traditional wattle & daub interior”. Is it any wonder we’ve never been to the moon?

England, better than the World

So, England can beat Australia at cricket but the rest of the World cannot.

Can we have our empire back?

Free stuff

About 8 years ago and for reasons that I still don't fully understand, I found myself working in the retail sector. We're all friends here so I confess - I managed a Pizza Hut. In fact over 15 months I managed 3, one in Bradford, one in Leeds and one in Slough. Although I was a pretty good manager, considerate to my staff, profitable and all that crap, the job bought me into daily contact with the general public and so was never destined to be a winner. I just have one of those faces that says 'I hate you and all you stand for, leave me the fuck alone'. But I coped. Actually I drank and smoked to cope, but at least I got free pizzas when the munchies struck. I have a cupboard full of Stuffed Crust trays to this day. They're very handy as they cook oven chips nice and evenly. But I digress.

The one thing I learned from my time selling over-priced cheese on toast to people without the energy (or in Slough the brains) to cook their own tea was that the word FREE motivates the great unwashed more than any other word in the English language. I could run "buy one, get one half price" promotions until the second coming of our Lord with all his choirs of angels and it would make only a nominal difference to my profit margin. But put the word FREE in a promotion and I was hiring 16 year old, bottle blonde school drop-outs to work the phones faster than I could sleep with them. I mean interview them. Yes. Interview.

And the word free is a great motivator isn't it? That's what record companies don't understand about their 'great' offers via the new, improved pay per download Napster type sites;

"Come to Sony for your music downloads. It's only 99p per track!"

"Cool, but this torrent site I found - it's free. Thousands of tracks, real good music as well, not the bland, soul-less, ball-less crap you sell and I don't pay a penny. Fuck you!!"

Which leads me nicely on to Free Albums Galore. Before any lawyers get a-twitchin there is nothing illegal going on. The site simply provides links to free sourced music. And they have a stunningly eclectic mix of styles and genres. When I first discovered the site I found myself downloading one or two tracks from every post, deleting the stuff I didn't like while voraciously consuming the stuff I enjoyed. I really suggest you do the same - broaden your horizons. What's the worst that can happen? If you want to try one new thing purely on my recommendation have a listen to some Chants of the Russian Orthodox Church. Turn the lights down, open your mind and just listen. It is quite astoundingly superb. You won't understand a word of it so there's no chance of you waking up a convert to the faith but it really, really is top notch. Trust me.(?)

Spin

Oh dear.

Met Office seeks simple forecasts

Television weather forecasters may soon use simpler terms for their predictions, the Met Office has said. The move follows an internal review in which Met Office staff gave their views on how best to portray the weather. Suggestions include using "patchy rain" rather than "showery outbreaks", and "warm for most", rather than "chilly in isolated areas".

I'm probably grumbling about this more than I need but does the 'New Labour' positive spin, all is well, there is nothing bad going on in the world, go back to sleep attitude which so pervades our society really need to extend to our 'kin weather forecasts? Surely there is a line somewhere? Shit happens, it rains, it gets cold, that dreary north-wind blow and we shall indeed have snow. Just tell us. ffs

Of laws and lunacy

Why do some people want to sue another when they are shown to have the IQ of ketchup?

Doctor sued for sex treatment for back pain

SEATTLE (Reuters) - An Oregon woman whose doctor convinced her that he could cure her lower back pain by having sex with her is suing him and his medical clinic for $4 million, according to legal documents obtained on Monday.

The doctor, Randall Smith, who was 50 at the time, was stripped of his license and sent to jail for 60 days last year for charging the state's Oregon Health Plan $5,000 for his 45-minute "treatments" involving the woman. "Dr. Smith's medical treatment included intercourse in which he told plaintiff was needed to help alleviate plaintiff's lower back and lower extremity pain," the former patient said in the lawsuit.

I'm not being uncharitable and obviously what that doctor did was reprehensible, but if anyone I know had fallen for that old line they'd be hiding from the world in shame, knowing that their idiocy had been exposed for all to mock. When will people accept a degree of responsibility for their own actions?

The other big legal story in the US at the moment is the indictment on corruption charges of Tom DeLay, majority leader of the Republicans in the House of Representatives. Hadn't paid it much attention, but this article from The Observer reveals the extent to which the US government is in the pay of large corporations;

The oil and gas industry now gives 80 per cent of its campaign cash to Republicans (20 years ago, the split was roughly 50-50), and influence on this year's energy bill was a classic sting. American petrol can now contain a suspected carcinogen; operators of US natural-gas wells can contaminate water aquifers to improve the yields from the wells; the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge is open to oil exploration - concessions all created by DeLay's inside track. And to provide ideological juice, there's a bevy of think-tanks, paid for from the same web of contributions, cranking out the justification that the 'state' and 'regulation' are everywhere and always wrong.

Carcinogens in petrol. You lucky people. Maybe that's why the price has shot up so much recently? The implications for the UK should not be ignored though. As the traditional sources Labour Party funding begin to dry up, so dear leader seeks replacement funds from wealthy individuals, people with dodgy motives, those seeking a job or a title, anyone really, discretion assured. A few years ago a proposal was made to finance political parties from public funds. I wonder why Tony isn't banging the drum for this cause anymore?

Cheap shot

Enya escapes intruder by hiding in panic room

The Irish singing star Enya is recovering after a narrow escape from an intruder at her supposedly secure castle near Dublin.

Surely singing to him would have been more effective?

Flags and fools

What manner of evil is this?

Prison bans Cross of St George tiepins

Prison staff have been told to stop wearing Cross of St George tiepins because they could be "misinterpreted'' as a racist symbol. Anne Owers, the Chief Inspector of Prisons, was "concerned'' to see a number of officers at Wakefield jail in Yorkshire wearing the tiepins, apparently in support of a cancer charity.

I’ve had cause to question in the past about how the British and us English in particular have lost our way in the world. What do we stand for now? We don’t believe in anything do we, don’t hold anything dear to our hearts. Bullshit like this doesn’t help. No, it doesn’t help at all.

Why is it racist to wear the flag of my country? Isn’t England, Britain one of the most diverse countries in western Europe? Surely we are grown up enough to welcome that diversity, embrace others and still retain our own identity? Look what happened in the US after 911. Stars and Stripes hung everywhere. They were not just jingoistic tokens and while undoubtedly there were some who held narrow views on what an ‘American’ looked like, for most it was a way of showing unity, of saying you’re taking us all on.

Although Anne Owers’ motives are good, her methods are completely unacceptable. The way to deal with racist officers within the prison service is to sack them. Racism is intolerable wherever and whenever it rears its ugly, misshapen head. But we need to fight the real problem, fight the racists, confront them, force them out. We do not need wish washy New Labour solutions. The Union flag and the flag of St George were hijacked by the far right decades ago. But they are our flags, mine, yours. I’m not at all sure what it means to be English today, but by god I’m proud to be it. The flags need to be taken back by the decent, mature, inclusive majority, by you and me.

Make it a symbol of love not of hate.

Update 05-10-05

Multi-cultural Britain does work.

And it's good night from him

As no doubt all the papers will say tomorrow morning.

Comedy legend Ronnie Barker dies

British TV comedy actor Ronnie Barker, who starred in Porridge and The Two Ronnies, has died aged 76.

I loved Ronnie. I think many people of my generation did. We grew up with The Two Ronnies, a new series every autumn endlessly repeated, the Xmas specials which annoyingly in the age before video often clashed with the Morcambe and Wise Christmas Show. But my dad loved them also, as did my grandparents. No doubt, if I had any, my children would also be fans. Their first words could have been "Four candles" (doesn't work when it's written down does it). People forget what a great writer Ronnie also was. When I bought his book All I Ever Wrote a few years ago I was astonished at his output. Think of any great name in British comedy over the last 50 years and chances are Ronnie wrote for them.

Ronnie was also one of the few people in that business called show who actually retired properly. He wasn't tempted back for one offs or specials. He'd earned his rest. Then, after maybe the BAFTA tribute I think he got a feeling of how loved and missed he was. So after a dozen years away from our TV screens there was a magnificent return in A Gathering Storm, where he played Churchill's butler. Earlier this year he got back in a studio with Mr Corbett for a 'best of' which, I hope introduced a new generation to their perfectly crafted comedy.

So thank you Ronnie. Thank you for making me laugh for such a long time. It is a precious gift. You'll be missed.